Confessions of a Fatherless Daughter
"The truth, it is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with great caution.” J.K.Rowling
A hazard of telling one's truth is the pain it may cause to others. I realize that in my attempt to use my writing as a way to exorcise some of my demons, I could rack up a pretty steep body count and leave a few wounded in my path. Because of this realization I know I not only have to be cautious of what I say but how I say it. Having said that, I need to put the disclaimer out there now, my posts are not meant to hurt or destroy anyone in my life. Please understand that this is about me and my journey and NOT ABOUT YOU.
I was in a minor accident traveling from Atlanta to my hometown in North Carolina. This shook my parents up pretty badly and my dad refused to let me travel back to Atlanta on my own. I figured it wouldn't hurt to have some company on my 5 hour drive home and my aunt could have some much needed alone time, since he was living there with her. What the hell, a few weeks wouldn't hurt and I could put him on the bus when he was ready to go home, right??? Wrong!!! The old man came to Atlanta and found himself two jobs. So, I found myself being the mother of three instead of two boys I actually gave birth to.
The irony of the current living arrangement is I grew up without my father and it was really hard for me and detrimental to my self-esteem. He wasn't there to do the things that dads do with their daughters like father/daughter dances, date nights with dad, threatening boyfriends that wanted to come over or any of that good stuff. He wasn't there to show me how a man was supposed to treat me and I couldn't use that line, "You can't do anything for me that my daddy didn't do" because he didn't do anything. So if you want to know if I have "daddy issues", you're damn right I do.
I look at my male friends and how they are with their daughters and it makes me sad because I did not have that. I listen to my friends talk about their dad and how much of a protector he was and I can honestly say that I cannot relate. Don't get me wrong, I do believe my parents did the best they knew how to do. It’s just that sometimes I needed more than their best. I had to figure so many things out on my own that I don’t know if that makes me independent or bitter when someone tries to help me.
I find it funny how the roles have reversed and now I am expected to drop everything I am doing and be the mother for my dad. I figure I have two choices, either suck it up and help him out or remain angry at him and miss out on the time we have left. I have decided that I will embrace the latter because I am not ready to handle him “dying” for a second time in my life. His first funeral already cost me lost time.
My favorite quote from the brilliant Audre Lorde says, ” If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.” I love this quote because anyone who knows me knows that I truly dance to the beat of my own drum and play by my own rules. I can’t imagine living by someone else’s definition of me, that wouldn’t be fun at all. After all, isn’t having fun one of the main reasons for living?
I have been on this earth for 43 years and have been through a few wars. When I share my story with people, they are amazed that I am still standing and still sane. Sometimes I can’t believe it myself, but sanity is a matter of perspective. How sane can one really be when they prefer to refer to oneself in 3rd person?? All I know is, but for the grace of God, I am still standing. I have a wonderful support network of friends and family who have held me up when I felt like I couldn’t do it myself. Now here I am, 43 years old, divorced and two years from becoming an empty nester. Life is just beginning for me.
I chose to blog as Ms. Kiesha and Dr .Kiesha 2U because much like the characters in Robert Louis Stevenson’s “Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”, I am not two separate personalities living in the same body. I am one person who allows her alter ego, Ms. Kiesha, to unapologetically be who she is.
I hope my readers will enjoy getting to know me through blogging as I begin to open up and share my journey from Ms. Kiesha to Dr. Kiesha 2U.